Made Moon Blog

Deep breathing is a great way of promoting relaxation and reducing stress. Yoga, meditation, martial arts, and trained voice are some disciplines that recognize the importance and effectiveness of deep breathing. Use the following deep breathing technique during any of the above activites or whenever you want to relax and energize your body.

It is natural to breathe using the diaphragm or lower abdomen. If you watch babies, you will see that they breathe this way. As we get older, stress and inactivity cause us to draw shorter, shallower breaths. These short breaths use only the upper chest instead of the lower abdomen. In times of stress the abdominal muscles tense up and make it almost impossible to breathe deeply and naturally. At first, the shock your body feels because of the increased oxygen intake during deep breathing exercises, may cause you to feel some dizziness.

A short breathing exercise:

Close your eyes, and hold your hands over your lower abdomen. Breath in deeply through your nose while you slowly count to 4. Feel your belly push out on your hands. Let the air in your abdomen expand your belly without any muscle tension. Breathe out through your mouth, feeling your hands moving back into your body.

Repeat this pattern until you feel peaceful, calm, and relaxed.

You may find it helpful to play calming and relaxing music during this exercise.

Mark Altman is the webmaster of http://www.soundsleeping.com specializing in sleep-aids and free relaxing music. Music that is ideal for yoga, meditation, or tai-chi.

For most of us finding the energy to just get through the day can be a challenge. Sometimes the best read of the zen-o-meter is whether or not the activity or emotion we are engaging in throughout the day nurtures our energy or drains it. For example, playing with the kids in the park, makes you feel more alive. Fighting your way through the grocery store, drains the life blood out of you. When you get out of bed you only have so much energy to get through the day. Many things will come at you that you have no control over. So this month we will explore controlling one emotional habit that is guaranteed to drain your soul. Learning to master this beast will leave you with more energy for you to spend the way you want.

Judgment never feels good. Often we do it subconsciously without giving it a second thought. However, most of the time it’s a very conscious act. Most popular psychology holds that we judge to make ourselves feel better; That by judging others we somehow feel superior to them. Most ancient spiritual traditions hold that we judge to separate ourselves one from another. No matter why we do it, or how we do it either blatantly, silently, or in the form of gossip, judgment drains your spirit and leaves your energy lower then it needs to be.

A few nights ago I was standing in my son’s room as he was talking on the phone ignoring my presence. It wasn’t that he didn’t know I was there, he had simply made the choice not not notice me. He was ignoring me because it was easier to do that then to acknowledge he had not done the dishes or his homework. Needless to say, I was having some escalating judgment and although I felt particularly righteous in my position, it didn’t feel good. After several minutes of my heated glare he finally succumbed and to my evil eye and as he begrudgingly hung up the phone he bid his friend, “Aloha”.

It made me laugh. Earlier in the day I had been studying a book about the Huna philosophy. One of the tenants of the Huna philosophy, which is a Hawaiian spiritual tradition, is Aloha, which means, to love is to be happy with. There I stood, trying to stay mad, but well reminded of Aloha - meaning that in order to love him - I had to be happy with him.

Judgment is such a downer. But to love is just the opposite. Having to remind yourself not to judge others~ downer. Staying in a spirit of unconditional love~ uplifting and energy building.

So, at the end of the evening, my son and I did the dishes together. He didn’t get his homework done. I did in fact have a moment of ah ha or better put, Aloha - to love was to be happy with. At the end of the day, that just felt better.

Spiritual traditions can seem so rigid. However, in the spirit of Aloha, the rule of thumb is almost decadent. When you can replace, having to avoid judgment, with the follow your bliss path of staying in love, everything becomes a little brighter, a little lighter. You free up a lot of energy to do things like grocery shop and dishes and take the dog for a walk…

So, what’s the motto?

It’s simple…
Aloha

Lisa Hayes is a mind, body, soul, practitioner who views the person as a whole -
With meditation for the mind
Yoga for the body
and as an ordained minister, for the soul, Lisa works with women to help them achieve peace and bliss in the chaos of their every day lives.

Lisa is also a partner in an independent technology firm and is a single mother of a teenage boy, so she understands chaos. Chaos is a part of everyday life. It is a part of the contrast of life that makes the zen seem so much more precious.

Lisa began the pursuit of the healing arts more than fifteen years ago when she completed her degree in natural health and nutrition. She continued that path as a yoga and meditation instructor before becoming a life coach.

Lisa believes that zen is our basic nature. All we have to do is release it. She has dedicated herself to assisting women in finding whatever tools work best for them individually to become their most blissful and beautiful selves.

To contact Lisa email her at lisa@moderngirlsguidetozen.com.

As a process improvement practitioner, I never cease to be amazed at the extent to which ideas developed for industrial and business settings seem so fit for personal application. In this article I will consider one of the major process improvement movements and show how its methods may be of value to individuals seeking to do better, reach higher, go further and achieve a greater degree of personal success than they might otherwise do.

The key idea of the theory is that businesses are best viewed as whole systems rather than collections of independent components. Like a chain which is only as strong as its weakest link, the achievement of the system as a whole is limited by the least able of its component parts known the system constraint. No matter how efficiently other parts operate, the throughput cannot be improved. This sounds like John Maxwell’s Law of the Lid in his “21 Laws of Leadership”. Your strengths determine your possibilities. Your weaknesses determine your actual achievement - unless you find ways to reduce or eliminate their impact.

Application:
Your life, affairs, pursuits and concerns constitute a system, the various parts of which affect one another. The recent attention paid to life-work balance issues recognises this inter-dependence.
Take a hard honest look at yourself from time to time. Examine various aspects of your life to determine what it is that is holding you from peak performance and contribution to life. Because various areas of your life are inextricably linked, you can gain plenty of leverage by seeking out and improving your weakest areas.

For example among qualities you need to succeed anywhere are determination and perseverance, integrity, self and time management skills. Say you find that your inability to persevere and stay the course is putting a ceiling on your possibilities. How would you apply these ideas?

The Theory of Constraints advocates a five step solution sequence as follows:

Locate the constraint: This you have done. Emphasis is on the combined use of intuition and logic to locate the true source of your limitations.

Exploit the constraint: This means that, in view of the limitations imposed by the constraint, you should still find ways to be more effective. In the current example about persistence, this might mean getting a coach or someone else to whom you can be accountable. You could also seek other forms of support to help keep you on track.

Subordinate Everything to the Above Decision: Do everything you do keeping in view your decision to improve your effectiveness in spite of a poor record of persistence. This might mean distancing yourself from people who hold a negative sway over you and encourage you to doubt yourself, and take the easy way out.

Elevate the constraint: Find ways to improve yourself and increase your ability in your area of weakness. For a problem with perseverance, you might find it useful to meditate and visualise. It would also help to maintain a journal in which you track your decisions and your reasons for not sticking to them. You could also read biographies of characters that were known for their persistence in the face of odds. The biographies of most people who achieved noteworthy greatness would probably qualify. Set goals for a minimum number of attempts or length of time before you give up on anything you’re attempting.

Start again. Avoid inertia: If truly you succeed in “elevating the constraint” sufficiently, you soon find that perseverance is no longer a problem for you, and your level of achievement has improved considerably. What next? You must go back to the beginning. Take another hard, honest look at yourself to determine what now limits your ability to achieve as you could.

As in business and industry, application of the above ideas to improving yourself is best done from a long term perspective. Thoroughly applied, it could lead to major shifts in direction as you overcome one performance constraint after another.

Samuel Okoro is the CEO of Leapfrog Alliance Ltd, a management training and consulting firm that helps organisations to reduce costs and improve quality through better business processes. His personal passion is to help move Third World business to world-class levels. For further details please visit http://leapfrogalliance.com/resources.html.

What does the appearance of The Fool mean for you when it appears in a Tarot spread?
Do you get excited or worried?
In this short article we explain what The Fool means when he appears in the Tarot.

The Fool is perhaps one of the most important tarot cards in the deck.
He is the first card of the Major Arcana, the first of 22 cards.
He is also the only one of the Major Arcana to remain in our modern card deck, appearing as the Joker.
His journey is at a deeper level the journey we are all on - the journey through life and life’s troubles, as no matter how old we are or what experiences we have been through we will still contine to find ourselves in areas where we are unsure, and vulnerable.

The Fool has appeared in many guises over the centuries in the different decks that have appeared.
In the Visconti Sforza deck he is seen looking a bit like a tramp without shoes in his stocking soles, and threadbare at that!
He carries a large stick or staff over his shoulder as though ready to commence a long journey.

In the Wirth deck he looks a bit like the court jester of old, and most like the forerunner of today’s joker in the traditional card deck.
He has however a cat with it’s teeth sunk into his left leg, and a crocodile in the distance. The picture on this card seems to indicate the urge of The Fool to get on with his journey in spite of all obstacles both past and future.
The Arthurian Tarot portrays The Fool as Parsifal who sought the mythic Holy Grail, and the Mythic deck depicts him as the Greek god Dionysus, wearing animal skins of many colours, and dancing gaily at the edge of a cliff.

No matter which deck we use the appearance of The Fool is a sign that we should follow our own path no matter what.
We need to have the courage to jump off the cliff into a new venture if that’s what is called for.
We need to have faith in our convictions no matter how hard this might be.

There are risks to everything in life and the appearance of The Fool in a spread is a great opportunity for a new beginning provided you are willing to make the jump!

Leonard Mutch is a writer with an interest in all things psychic and paranormal. He makes it easy to develop an understanding of The Tarot at his Tarot Cards website.

The world has become a hectic place to live with fast food, fast cars and fast computers. Life moves at such a rapid pace that the elements that compose our lifestyles generate an abundance of stress that many do not know how to handle. One way to reduce stresses and create a more relaxed mind and a healthier body is through Transcendental Meditation.

The transcendental form of meditation is one in which the practitioner calms the mind in order to achieve a higher state of consciousness allowing for a greater flow of thought. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi founded Transcendental Meditation, often referred to as TM, in the late 1950’s.

The Maharishi decided to take his teachings on a world tour attracting many new people, even celebrities to take on this form of meditation. The long list of celebrities who have practiced Transcendental Meditation includes the likes of actress Heather Graham, Singer Mick Jagger, Director David Lynch, the late comedian Andy Kaufman and most notably, The Beatles.

Now what would attract such a long list of celebrities as well as over six million people to choose this form of meditation? Could it be the fact these people now live a peaceful more productive life? Could it be the vibrancy they feel day after day. Or, how about the increased stream of creativity attributed to transcendental meditation. Probably all of the above.

Transcendental Meditation not only improves your ability to focus but it stimulates creativity and works wonders for your physical health. It is proven that those engaged in regular practice of Transcendental Meditation have fewer medical problems than those who are not.

In fact, individuals in their mid-fifties who have taken on TM as their form of meditation have been known to have a biological age that is twenty years younger than their chronological age. You are now most likely wondering what it takes to learn the ways of Transcendental Meditation.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has created a seven step process of learning the proper technique of TM which includes two lectures, a personal interview with a qualified Transcendental Meditation instructor and four days of practice.

After learning the proper methods of TM you meditate twice a day for twenty minutes each session. Advanced methods include yogic flying when your energy is channeled creating a lift of your body, kind of like a frog hopping. It has been said that when 1% of the world’s population is practicing yogic flying that a greater state of peace will be felt world wide.

The ultimate goal of Transcendental Meditation is peace. Peace within ones self and peace around the globe. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has begun to construct peace palaces in one hundred US cities with 3000 more being built around the world. Here the use of Transcendental Meditation to influence cities and communities to a more peaceful lifestyle.

As chaotic as this world may seem it could be possible to eliminate the negativity in the world through a greater understanding of your own consciousness and a deeper commitment to a harmonious life. I have found that through the practice of Transcendental Meditation that path is clearly paved. Are you ready for the journey?

Robin Darch has a website at meditation-tips.com giving useful information and links about meditation and its benefits

When facing a change, most people invariably feel insecure, lost and overwhelmed.

Still, do you agree with me that life without any form of changes would not only be monotonous but also inconceivable?

Afterall, one aspect of why we all love living, is the excitement and anticipation of the unexpected in our lives!

Here is a thought for you. What do you say to yourself after having had a really bad day?

If you’re like the majority of people, you’ll probably be happy it is over when you go to bed. Maybe saying something like this to yourself: “Phew I’m darn glad, this day is over… wonder what tomorrow will bring!” In expectation of a change.

Do you see what I mean? Every single day brings certain form of changes into our lives. In fact these small changes, are crucial. For they offer new opportunity and create room for adjustments.

So why are many people afraid of facing changes, if these are there to help us?

In psychology there are a number of reasons that can render a person fearful of a change. But I am not about to launch into a psycho-debate on the dysfunctionality of the mind here.

What I want to do, is to show you how you can quickly and easily banish those fears and enjoy a sense of freedom and inner security.

Fact 1. : People who are passionate about growing are never afraid of a change. To them change is simply another way of taking charge and living fully.

Irrelevant of their positions in life, they know that it is of utmost importance to keep an open mind and be alert in spirit. For nothing in life ever stays the same.

Fact 2. You can’t wish a change away. Your life would become more engaging and bountiful, when you can let go of your fear.

So without any further ado.

Build a strong relationship with your fear.

When a new change comes your way, tell yourself, what it is that you’re afraid of and look at the fear. You may even want to write it down. There’s something magical about writing things down.

Feel like you’re confiding in someone else, even if it’s only on paper. Once you face your fear, you’ll find that it begins to lose its power over you. Instead of you becoming enslaved, you now have the upper hand.

Play the devil’s advocate.

One reason for our fear of change is often because we feel inadequate. We feel that we are incapable of handling a new situation.

Should this be the case with you, simply see yourself in the worst case scenario.

Make yourself comfortable and allow your mind to re-live the various stages of what you fear at least twice. The third time around let the fear fade away like a smoke.

See yourself emerging from it wholesome, peaceful and invincible. Feel the joy of being in charge and the triumph of knowing the fear is only a shadow.

Reclaim your inborn power.

I know how frustrating it can be, if you’re trying to move forward and find yourself being held back by fear.

Once you’ve re-emerged feeling invincible, you want to use that momentum to turn things around.

To do this, ask yourself this question: “what simple action can I take here and now to start moving toward my new direction?”.

Wait for the answer to surface. Then do it without stalling. Should you get multiple ideas, just apply the one you feel comes easiest to you first. Moving later on to other ideas after you’ve completed the previous ones.

Test the waters for lurking “gremlins”.

To be certain that you’re now embarking on a steady path to overcoming your fear of change, do the following.

Subject yourself knowingly to your uncomfortable feel-ings around changes from time to time. This is to help you recognize the lurking fear i.e.the “gremlins”

Observe how you react: Do you immediately shut down or do you find yourself trying to be creative with the feelings?

The more constructive you can deal with your uneasy feelings about change, the quicker you’ll be able to move past your fear of change.

I firmly believe in asking for inner guidance. So if you find yourself still struggling with fear, don’t feel dejected, pray for help. It works wonder!
Laugh a lot, be joyful and give yourself to others. A heart full of joy and trust has no room for fear.

Take the time to integrate these steps into your life. Before long, you’ll find yourself getting more and more excited about new possibilities. The more you’re able to connect with and activate your innate power, the less susceptible you’ll be to fear of change.

Kunbi Korostensky, N.D., Psychotherapist and Certified Life Changer Coach specialises in supporting individuals in transition. She helps turn the change in their lives into new joy and happiness. Sign for her monthly ezine at http://www.embracingchanges.com or mailto: kunbi@embracingchanges.com

It’s one of those days … when things just seem to not be going “right” … I’m feeling unloved, unlovable, lost & lonely; feeling abandoned by friends & foes alike; like a failure; hopeless and without resources. It’s big-time hAla’hala (the poison which arose ~ and subsequently was “stored” in the throat of Shiva ~ when the god & demons churned the milky ocean in an effort to draw forth the amrita that would bestow bliss & immortality). It’s a bone fide “negative-ego” downward spiral ~ wilder than the wildest of amusement-park rides. (Remembering here: the Tibetan yogi Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso, describing his habit of going to amusement parks, and finding the scariest rides … as preparation for traveling through the Bardo ~ the passage, after “death,” between this life-time & the next.) And then ~ thankfully ~ recalling a practice first taught to me by Leslie Temple-Thurston, a practice perfect for moments just like this one …

The practice (drawn from the Hindu yoga/meditation tradition) is simply to say ~ in response to all those (internal or external) voices that are shouting, whispering, whimpering or screaming such discouraging, disparaging and really un-helpful things: Netti, Netti …Tat Tsvam Asi!, whose English translation is “Not this, Not this, You are That!” This is a phrase that has its origins, most famously, in the Chandogya Upanishad, and secondly in the Katha Upanishad.

The phrase Tat Tsvam Asi (You are That!) is spoken (in the Chandogya Upanishad 6.1) by Uddalaka, who is teaching his precocious son, Shvetaketu, about ultlimate reality. According to Uddalaka, our perception of the plurality of objects is an illusion of speech … The truth is that just as the essence of every clay pot ~ regardless of its shape or size ~ is simply clay, so the essence of all manifest forms (including you and me) is Brahman (God, Spirit, Allah, Buddha Nature, the Tao, Whatever):

ayamAtmA brahma
tattvamasi
aham brahmAsmi
prajnAnam brahma

Thou art that

Atman and Brahman are one

I am Brahman

All this is indeed Brahman

And what exactly is this “Brahman” which is the essence of who I am?
According to the Katha Upanishad, the best (and only!) way to describe the Ultimate reality is by applying a via negativa sort of strategy, i.e. by saying what it isn’t … and hence the phrase netti, netti, “not this, not this” ~ which is to say that Brahman is without the kind of qualities we usually perceive and associate with forms in the phenomenal world:

The supreme Self is beyond name and form,
Beyond the senses, inexhaustible,
Without beginning, without end,
Beyond time and space, and causality,
Eternal, immutable.

~ Katha Upanisad 2.2.2

We find a similar teaching (that no formed or formless “object” can be considered to be the ultimate reality) in chapter 1, verse 62 of the Avadhuta Gita of Dattatreya (a wonderful Advaita Vedanta text, translated here by Swami Ashokananda):

Always “not this, not this” to both the formless and the form. Only the absolute exists, transcending difference and nondifference.

So how then does any of this apply to my feelings of worthlessness, despair and/or general grumpiness? When I find myself in one of these states of mind, I simply say (to that state of mind, or the voices expressing it): Netti, Netti, Tat Tsvam Asi! ~ “Not this, Not this, I am That” … Which is to say: I am not this negative-ego patterning that is currently manifesting as these yucky states of mind, but rather: I am Divine!

And ~ at a deeper level ~ this is saying also to those very states of mind: you can’t fool me … I can see that even though you’re currently manifesting as this rather disagreeable form, that in your essence you too are Brahman, you too are Buddha, you too are Divine! (It’s like suddenly recognizing your friend, beneath a scary costume, and saying to him/her: I know now who you are, so you can no longer scare me!)

It’s a simple, yet extremely powerful, affirmation: An act of power which almost always creates “space” around/within those negative emotional or mental patterns … a space in which I can remember who I Am, really … a wonderful technique to have in my (and now your) spiritual toolbox …

Netti, Netti … Tat Tsvam Asi!

Elizabeth Reninger holds Masters degrees in Sociology & Chinese Medicine, is a published poet, and has been exploring Yoga ~ in its Taoist, Buddhist & Hindu Varieties ~ for more than twenty years. Her teachers include Richard Freeman and Leslie Temple-Thurston. For more yoga-related essays, please visit her website: http://www.writingup.com/blog/elizabeth_reninger

*Name changed to insure privacy

I am of the opinion that we live in a society where unfounded gift giving has run rampant. Nonetheless, my wife, Maria, - who, incidentally, lovingly doesn’t agree with me on the issue - is a liberal gift giver. I claim that I am a conservative in that area. I use the word “conservative” in order to avoid using the terms “stingy” and “tight-wad,” terms some may think appropriate to describe my attitude on the topic.

Now, in fairness to me, let’s be candid on this point. We are expected to give gifts at almost every turn in our lives: Engagement gifts, shower gifts, marriage gifts, baby gifts, Christmas gifts, Easter gifts, birthday gifts, anniversary gifts, house warming gifts, employer gifts, employee gifts, get well gifts, farewell gifts, welcome gifts, monetary gifts to the families of the deceased (something I find a warm, caring gesture), to name a few. However, the list is much longer than this.

But even in the caring gesture of giving monetary gifts to the loved ones of dearly departed souls who have gone on to their reward, some get carried away. As an example of this, *Mario, one of my brothers-in-law, will go to extreme lengths to collect money for the families of relatives, friends and acquaintances, who have suffered the loss of a loved one. It’s a considerate, touching gesture, and one to which I always have generously responded - until Mario heard that one of his third cousins, who lived some 1,500 miles from us had passed away. Mario, himself, had met the man only once; I had never met him - didn’t even know he existed. That made no difference to Mario; he hopped in his Buick and visited all those on his long “come-on-let’s-give-list,” including his nearby first, second and third cousins, and his siblings, leaving Maria and me for last.

“Now look here, Mario,” I remonstrated, “I don’t mind contributing to the families of those I know. But I draw the line at contributing to the funeral expenses of someone I’ve never heard of, whose family lives 1,500 miles away.”

My protest didn’t faze Mario. As the eldest of Maria’s siblings, and my senior by several years, he evidently felt it our duty to imitate his example in dealing with distant relatives when it came to gift giving. Mario is a determined, persuasive brother-in-law; I contributed.

Sincere believers sometimes are at a loss regarding how to view the practice of gift giving. The Bible offers the answer. God, himself, was the first Christmas gift-giver. In 2nd Corinthians 9:15, the Apostle Paul exclaimed, “Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift.” The gift to which Paul referred is, of course, the Lord Jesus Christ.

The word “gift” in this scripture finds its root in the Greek word, “dora.” It literally means “a present.” Therefore the three Magi did not give the first Christmas presents. God the Father gave the very first Christmas present to humanity in the form of His Son, Jesus Christ. The Bible further reveals that all three Persons of the Godhead are gift givers and salvation, itself, is a gift from the Triune God to us (Ephesians 2:8).

Referring to the Lord Jesus Christ, Ephesians 4:8-14 records that, “When He ascended up on high, He led captivity captive and gave gifts (presents) unto men.” The presents Christ Jesus gave to the Church are ministerial in nature - apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers (some Bible scholars link the last two together as pastor-teachers).

Christ gave these ministry gifts for a definite purpose (verses 12-13): “For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Till we all come in the unity of the faith . . . unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ.”

The Holy Spirit not only is a giver of gifts, He also is a gift to us. According to Acts 2:38, the Apostle Peter refers to the Holy Spirit as such: ” . . . ye shall receive the gift (present) of the Holy Spirit.” In Acts 8:20, the Holy Spirit is called ” . . . the gift of God.”

Jesus promised He would send us the Comforter, who is the Holy Spirit. It is evident then, that the Holy Spirit is the gift given to us by God the Father and by Jesus Christ His Son. Both have made us a present of the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is a giver of gifts. 1st Corinthians 12:4 records that “there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.” In this passage the word gifts is rooted in a different word than “dora.” It derived from the Greek word “charisma,” defined as a “gratuity, a freely given favor.” In giving us His gifts, the Holy Spirit has granted them gratuitously - as free favors,

God the Father, Jesus Christ His Son, and the blessed Holy Spirit are the ultimate, supreme gift givers. Therefore, in presenting gifts believers are following a pattern established by the Supreme Godhead. As we emulate their example in this, we should also emulate their attitude; that of being openhanded, generous and loving, remembering that “God so loved the world that he gave . . .”

My wife, Maria, and her brother, Mario, are correct on the issue of gift giving; as children of God, we constantly must be openhanded toward others.

-30-

© Josprel (Joseph Perrello)

josprel@verizon.net

About the Author: Josprel is an ordained minister who resides in Western New York - just across the Niagara River from Canada. Though brought up in a Christian family, he rebelled against the Church at an early age, finally enlisting in the U.S. Air Force. He served three years in the Air Force, two and one half of them in the Mid-East, as an operating engineer. Josprel was among the first Air Force troops to enter Japan, after World War Two. Upon returning home, he accepted Christ as his Savior and studied for the ministry. Josprel is authoring two novels: “Beloved Apostate” and “Kanfal.”

Buying a VCR may not seem like a noteworthy purchase in a high-tech world yet it proved to be a worthy blessing offering much learning. Boxes filled with VHS recordings were unearthed from dark recesses where they had hidden for over a decade.

Replaying some old home videos for the first time in fourteen years eerily pulled us back to witness a much younger self - long ago left behind. One of our time-travels took us back to 1991 to perhaps the first workshop I publicly presented called “Being Your Best, Inside and Out.”

There I stood, so very polished, professional, all-knowing; assuredly directing people how to think and present themselves correctly in order to have successful lives. Barely a chink showed in that professional armor.

I shuddered to hear myself assuredly espouse the latest personal development philosophies without fully evaluating how those words might affect others. I had not considered how people might feel after being told “You must do this/do that, strive for more, set the right goals, live with passion, avoid mediocrity, change your thinking, be a peak performer etc… to be successful.”

How carelessly back then I said, “If you think you have a comfortable life, are comfortable with your job, home, family this is the death rattle. To be comfortable is a death. We must always be reaching for more…”

Now, through living a much kinder approach to life I know this endless striving for more is often a compensation for feeling inadequate - not good enough. Now I know that calling anything short of peak performance - mediocrity - hurts us. This “self-help hammer” devalues our human journey.

The same night we were reviewing my past “self-help” seminars we were called to pick up our fifteen year old boy from a Friday night party. The parents wanted us to know they had found bottles of vodka and some kids had been drinking.

We managed to handle that volatile situation with enough love and understanding to hear the entire truth from our teen. (Quite a different story from the cover-up being told at the party!)

Doing our best to be good human beings; loving our children, spouses, making a decent home and livelihood is a heroic journey! Any philosophy that intimates we are failures or are living lives of mediocrity if we work in a job that is not our passion is the antithesis of self-help. Perhaps the job is not our greatest love but often we do it out of love for our homes and families and in this, there is great honor and humility.

Of course, this excludes forcing ourselves to work somewhere that is toxic or making us sick. Nor am I advocating ignoring our dreams or the changes we long for. Rather, I am suggesting we put more trust in ourselves and our God for our answers than in latest “How to Achieve” philosophies or shallow societal values.

Our self trust grows the more we notice how we are feeling after hearing, reading or watching something. Do we feel a little bigger and better about ourselves? Or do we feel less-than if we do not comply with the message?

We need to look inside for our truth rather than blindly striving to follow the latest guru of the day. As our teenage son remarked about my canned “self-help” video given so long ago, “I didn’t know you were one of those phony people who go around telling people what to do!”

To be fair to myself those workshops back then were an excellent experience for me, offered with good intention and some pearls. However, at that time I had not come to realize how damaging this continual striving and pushing to do more, be more, change more, is to our precious selves. Back then, I worked over-time to hide my feelings of inadequacy and mostly commandeered my world from my head.

Now, I do my best to live and speak from my heart… to live a much kinder life philosophy. So my heroic friends be kind to yourselves, trust your own inner wisdom, and know you ARE worthy just by being!

Teresa Proudlove has been inspiring, supporting, and guiding over 3000 people upon their career and life work path for over fourteen years - with compassion and heart. Teresa’s workshops and writing, offer a deeper understanding and respect for ourselves, for others, and for our lifework path. This entrepreneurial woman also owned and successfully operated two women’s retail boutiques for ten years. For over twelve years, Teresa was a well-read newspaper columnist. Visit Teresa at http://www.yourlifework.com; listen to your inner guidance and navigate through life and work with more meaning, acceptance and peace.

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 23, 2003

I am male, 30, married for seven years. I have two small children. The past several years of married life have been trying. My wife and I fight a lot, always about money, work, or sex.

We used to be very passionate, in a shy sort of way, but that has all but vanished. My wife attributes it to my work ethic. If I was home more, she says, she would be more romantic. I am not sure I agree. It seems the more I am around the more bored I become with her. I still love her, but there is a giant void.

Now the bigger problem. I hired a recent college grad at work, a smart beautiful 23-year-old woman. She sparked something in me that has been missing. There was an obvious physical attraction on my part from the first day. I work long hours, and she worked alongside me.

We spent many evenings talking to each other and just hanging out. She knows I am married and unhappy. I found myself thinking of this girl constantly on the weekends, and at night while being intimate with my wife. Unfortunately, she recently turned in her resignation. Over lunch she explained she is leaving for legitimate career reasons.

She was very emotional about her career change. I was devastated. We went out with co-workers the next night to drink, have fun, and say farewell. We spent most of the night in each other’s arms, dancing closely and whispering into each other’s ear. When we left, we started with a hug, moved to a peck on the lips, and ended in a deep passionate kiss.

This girl left on a trip for three weeks overseas, but when she gets back we need to talk things out. I have been thinking of separation or even divorce for over a year, but my biggest fear is my kids. I don’t want them to be without a father, nor do I want to be unhappy anymore. I am so torn I don’t know what to do.

Oscar

Oscar, one of the most common letters we receive starts with a litany of problems in the marriage and ends with a new person coming into the writer’s life. In these letters there are two questions, independent of each other, but the letter writer invariably sees it as a single question.

The first question is, Should I leave my wife because I don’t love her and don’t want to continue the marriage? The second question is, Will my relationship with my new love work out?

If your marriage is bad enough to end, it should be bad enough to end without another person coming into your life. A year ago talks with your wife might have led to separation and both of you feeling your way back into the world while adjusting to the fact of divorce.

Now your wife will feel there weren’t issues between the two of you. It was another woman. Your wife will feel you have your next fish on the line, and she doesn’t even have a line in the water. Your wife will be hurt, angry, and contentious.

You, on the other hand, will know your new love is a woman who can become involved with a married man. How much cleaner and more honest it would have been to have separated from your wife a year ago. For you, your wife, and this new woman, everything would have been less complicated.

We hear your concern for your children and the other woman, but not for your wife. Don’t firm up the new relationship before talking with your wife. Talking with your wife, not the other woman, is the most important thing now.

The first question to resolve is whether you and your wife love each other and want to remain married.

Wayne and Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.